One-uppers

I'm not old enough to be able to convincingly dispense wizened platitudes, but I can say for certain that "one-uppers" are a plague on society.

Everyone has met them; people who listen to a harrowing anecdote or hilarious experience only long enough to respond with an even more outrageous or terrible story of their own. Instead of digesting your words and replying with a comment tailored specifically to you, they spit up an often exaggerated tale that makes your own seem bland and juvenile.

Examples include:

"... when my grandmother died I was shaken up for a while. It was my first funeral."
"One-upper: Oh that sucks, my grandma died in my arms two days after my grandpa lost a year-long battle with cancer. We had to cancel my graduation party."

or

"My boyfriend got me flowers for the anniversary of our first day. I can't believe he remembered."
"One-upper: My boyfriend took me to New York to see 'Wicked' for our anniversary because the day we met I mentioned I had always wanted to see it. Oh, and we met Idina Menzel afterward..."

Burt's a one-upper, which is partially why he got involved in dog-breeding to begin with; it was one of the only arenas he could find that he could succeed without having to exert any physical effort or improve his own character in any way.